08-30-2017, 06:48 PM
Firstly, overall I like your poem, my favourite type of poetry will always be that which is emotive & written with imagery & feeling. I do have a few pointers but these are mainly personal preferences, to me a poem is part of you & we all see what is written differently which is what is so wonderful:
Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues (I would remove the "AND"
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies. (I prefer the flow if the last two lines were joined together in a shorter format eg "Like a sash of Girl Scout badges proudly sewn onto my Brownies Uniform)
This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.
(I love this verse, the ways it flows & the imagery it creates)
But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.
The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story; (I would remove the "That are", I don't think it's needed at this point & I would change the "a" to "her" life story, only because I think it sounds more specific)
More worthy of topics of conversation; (I would remove "topics of" I don't think its needed)
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse, (I would remove the "or" I don't think it's needed)
or why I'm sad today. (I would remove the "or")
I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today. (I would remove the "today", it is the last line of the verse above & I don't think you need to include it twice so closely)
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind. (I would remove the first "And", I'm not a great fan of and, I find it can sometimes make the poem a little disjointed)
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe (Again I would remove the "And")
and reciting my favorite rhyme.
It's always been like this.
Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible; (I would remove the first "And" but leave the second as that seems to fit quite nicely)
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -
There I go again.
I don't want to write another sad poem.
I want to rise above it all. (I would remove this line as I think the end is powerful enough without it)
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.
Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.
(I like the ending, it brings forth hope that there is a future for us all & it may not always be sunny but there will always be times of light)
Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues (I would remove the "AND"
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies. (I prefer the flow if the last two lines were joined together in a shorter format eg "Like a sash of Girl Scout badges proudly sewn onto my Brownies Uniform)
This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.
(I love this verse, the ways it flows & the imagery it creates)
But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.
The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story; (I would remove the "That are", I don't think it's needed at this point & I would change the "a" to "her" life story, only because I think it sounds more specific)
More worthy of topics of conversation; (I would remove "topics of" I don't think its needed)
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse, (I would remove the "or" I don't think it's needed)
or why I'm sad today. (I would remove the "or")
I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today. (I would remove the "today", it is the last line of the verse above & I don't think you need to include it twice so closely)
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind. (I would remove the first "And", I'm not a great fan of and, I find it can sometimes make the poem a little disjointed)
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe (Again I would remove the "And")
and reciting my favorite rhyme.
It's always been like this.
Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible; (I would remove the first "And" but leave the second as that seems to fit quite nicely)
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -
There I go again.
I don't want to write another sad poem.
I want to rise above it all. (I would remove this line as I think the end is powerful enough without it)
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.
Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.
(I like the ending, it brings forth hope that there is a future for us all & it may not always be sunny but there will always be times of light)