Songs, v 2

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
My favorite part of the whole poem is how there seems to be some sort of disconnect between the two speakers. When I first saw "lover" and "beloved", I was expecting this to be sentimental, but I was happily wrong. I'll go into more detail below:

Songs


Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room. -This is an odd opening stanza, but it did grab my attention and make me want to read more. My only suggestion would be to return to this idea of spying on each other (i.e. bugged room) later in the poem.

Beloved.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. -With the mention of birds, I was sure there was going to be a bee image somewhere else in the poem. Again, I was happily wrong. For some reason, the feeling I get here is that the speaker is referring to her parents being "snowbirds," but that could be just  my own interpretation.

Lover.
My room's got a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
the lights distant, twinkling like stars. -I like how the mall is described here. It matches up nicely with the what was said by the Beloved in the last stanza, but also makes the Lover sound a little desperate, but in a good way. 

Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof.
Make sure you get my good side. -With the mention of Icarus, I got the impression that this stanza might be alluding to suicide and/or death, but again, that might just be my own interpretation. Tying this back to the room being bugged, is it possible for the Beloved to spy on the Lover while flying so high?

Lover.
They raped mountains 
for that mall, they filled in the sea... -These lines are wonderfully depressing. They also capture the lover's dejection.

Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot. -Like the beginning, I find this line odd, but it definitely leaves me thinking about the poem. 

Songs


Lover.

I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room
has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.

Beloved. I am dark but lovely,
you daughters of Jerusalem.

I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.

Lover. In the Suburbs...

Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick.

I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.

Beloved.

When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.

I didn't read the first draft until I was done critiquing the second draft, but it answered some of my questions. I find the second draft oddly fascinating, so I don't know if I would even suggest putting some of those details from the first draft back in. I like this poem because some of the imagery left an impression on me, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this one.

Cheers,
Richard