Edit 2: Becoming Characters

[Todd]

Hi Alex, just some general comments:

Attributing Fantasies 
 
II. Becoming Characters
Some pretty souls that clamor 
for their immortality 
in a film, book, or song,  
are heard and understood by --bad line break here. Not thematic, not important
not some abstract concept;  
but us as kids- 
reenacting fantasies  
in the schoolyard. --I feel that everything up to and including this line could be cut. This is all bland reportage.
Among the monkey bars,--Here at least you start grounding the poem in the scene or the action. It begins to exist outside the conceptual.  
swings and slides 
imaginations take off there--You don't need there
like some rocket rides. 
Of these kids, my petty self,  
who wanted so ridiculously 
to star in and direct 
the reenacted fantasy 
into the biggest summer blockbuster hit.--Then you leave the image and process it as an adult looking back. I realize some of that must go on, but I find it bland. 
 
We don't align our visions 
As seamlessly 
As we do with those we're close. 
It was just a matter of time 
Before that rocket wavers, 
Sputters nuts and bolts--best line in the piece 
Into its rotting trail--rotting is usually associated with the organic. It feels misplaced here. 
Of oil in an angel's breath--I like the quirkiness of this line. You feel like your starting to hit on the poem. If you left the adult reassessment for the beginning and stuck in the moment it may be better. 
That was once an effortless  
Thread of pale unspooling smoke.--like the phrasing of this line 
 
I stuck within my room and drew  
the weapons and the armor 
of knights and wizards that I knew, 
intricately plotting maps of regal swirls 
on plated articles of armor 
from the tricky head to shoe.--Go one level deeper and do more than report what you were doing. 
I would try to match those characters 
from books and movies I had drawn--At the risk of dating the piece choose an action perhaps and match it to an actual character (you can use timeless characters if you want) swung the sword like _____ 
by donning awkward garbs of winter clothes --awkward garbs sound awkwad and more a summary than a concrete choice.
and charging through my house 
to duel my kin. Though 
I might have been just short a friend, 
who really cares when you're a knight 
and you're sparring with --rethink this break
the love of those familiar mighty men?==More show less tell in this section. 
 
So, by the duels that rang the wrists--I like rang the wrists 
and tales of fairies and jolly old men, 
allow my wrists to ring again--Not fond of the repetition. 
and finger joints to ache
before I'm left remiss.--sort of flat ending to the section

This is part two of a four part poem I'm writing. I'm posting it by sections so each read could be a more digestible one- thus receiving a more effective critique. By doing it this way, I can also focus on bettering one section at a time, as opposed to editing all parts of the poem and not being focused on one, which could make for scattered thoughts and a possible blending of specific themes. I'm planning on having four sections of the poem to each attribute some aspect that made/makes a childhood fantasy possible. Appreciate all feedback given.

I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd