08-23-2017, 02:23 AM
Hi, ecesis! Welcome here.
Strange poem, maybe the title started me off wrong. I thought about music being played at Sam's Club, a warehouse merchant here in the USA, and then it kind of stuck. Then I thought about an Arab named Sam, who I likely never met, but whose name floated around town when I was very young. Then I thought Sam short for Samantha. I have difficulty with titles sometimes, but I understand the importance in it making a quirk or being subject, and so it seems mystery to me though it might be vital to the personal thoughts of the writer.
Poor sam's mind, -is the comma necessary for break or pause, does it bring more drama?
has begun to leap away;
what urges his kop,
to the fields of no vision lay.
A fatigued mother,
leers at the wild eye,
wherein birls the fierce shine,
only seen in the evening sky. -no "the"
What lures behind with dire grasp, -either a comma or "and" or eliminate both
and turns this seaman's only helm;
for far away is port or home,
and long lost is a moral throne. -I want a pronoun here, don't know why
Calibre once brought so dear a smile, -Calibre an interesting, thought out, alternative, well caught.
to parley warmth o'er cold vein; -I'm confusing parley with parlay
to mount a precipice and be of padre use,
in joys well hid in antique hue. -clues exclusive to certain readers or just some sort of misery?
Why the hope of plea,
keeps a iterate memorial— "an"
cold to eschew,
and only groping the depth, I don't know why I want to take away "the"
in the never new.
I have also tried writing poems in the "Old English" or whatever it may be properly called. I read some old poetry and I wonder if I will ever get it, many hymns are written in such a way, and it is so lovely and poetic. Keep trying if it is something you enjoy. I apologize if my critique has not been helpful. Best wishes to you.
nibbed
Strange poem, maybe the title started me off wrong. I thought about music being played at Sam's Club, a warehouse merchant here in the USA, and then it kind of stuck. Then I thought about an Arab named Sam, who I likely never met, but whose name floated around town when I was very young. Then I thought Sam short for Samantha. I have difficulty with titles sometimes, but I understand the importance in it making a quirk or being subject, and so it seems mystery to me though it might be vital to the personal thoughts of the writer.
Poor sam's mind, -is the comma necessary for break or pause, does it bring more drama?
has begun to leap away;
what urges his kop,
to the fields of no vision lay.
A fatigued mother,
leers at the wild eye,
wherein birls the fierce shine,
only seen in the evening sky. -no "the"
What lures behind with dire grasp, -either a comma or "and" or eliminate both
and turns this seaman's only helm;
for far away is port or home,
and long lost is a moral throne. -I want a pronoun here, don't know why
Calibre once brought so dear a smile, -Calibre an interesting, thought out, alternative, well caught.
to parley warmth o'er cold vein; -I'm confusing parley with parlay
to mount a precipice and be of padre use,
in joys well hid in antique hue. -clues exclusive to certain readers or just some sort of misery?
Why the hope of plea,
keeps a iterate memorial— "an"
cold to eschew,
and only groping the depth, I don't know why I want to take away "the"
in the never new.
I have also tried writing poems in the "Old English" or whatever it may be properly called. I read some old poetry and I wonder if I will ever get it, many hymns are written in such a way, and it is so lovely and poetic. Keep trying if it is something you enjoy. I apologize if my critique has not been helpful. Best wishes to you.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love