08-15-2017, 10:19 AM
Spring returns dressed in cherry blossoms and melts into the waiting laps of lovers embracing. [laps?]
We run gentle fingers across the budding magnolias [braided into his willow hair, falling into his eyes], brushing blushed cheeks in the wet smelling wind.
“Won’t you stay?” you ask, I whisper. [love this]
He caresses our lingering grasp with genteel grass.
Spring lingered in the [magnolia-fluttered grass] until summer stormed in with windswept hair and wild eyes.
[not sure what that is]
I could barely stand it. All that intense beauty gazing at me. So I sweat and I stuttered, until she left. She moved on.
But I am left in the aftermath of her whirlwind hurricane, panting, parched, exhausted.
The sun remains, though, [and] the grass still greens, and the river's still blue.
I [drown] the canal under rain-grey skies.
[not sure that fits]
Spring eludes me, and I miss them.
Through snowmen, down ski hills, past grey-white-coloured highways. By yellow spots in snow banks left by pomeranians and dachshunds [,and] hobos, too, at the empty soup kitchen door.
[Dried] magnolia petals crumble in my notebooks. Winter howls. Even my bones cry.
[another word choice here, perhaps]
Each morning, I wake up straining for tinkle melting sounds and the birds who will flock to see my spring, [then sleep another day]. [the birds?]
I like how you personify Spring in a male/female form
and bring them together in the last stanza, as one.
I would prefer the longer lines find more breaks.
I'd work out/clean up some of those prepositions.
nibbed
We run gentle fingers across the budding magnolias [braided into his willow hair, falling into his eyes], brushing blushed cheeks in the wet smelling wind.
“Won’t you stay?” you ask, I whisper. [love this]
He caresses our lingering grasp with genteel grass.
Spring lingered in the [magnolia-fluttered grass] until summer stormed in with windswept hair and wild eyes.
[not sure what that is]
I could barely stand it. All that intense beauty gazing at me. So I sweat and I stuttered, until she left. She moved on.
But I am left in the aftermath of her whirlwind hurricane, panting, parched, exhausted.
The sun remains, though, [and] the grass still greens, and the river's still blue.
I [drown] the canal under rain-grey skies.
[not sure that fits]
Spring eludes me, and I miss them.
Through snowmen, down ski hills, past grey-white-coloured highways. By yellow spots in snow banks left by pomeranians and dachshunds [,and] hobos, too, at the empty soup kitchen door.
[Dried] magnolia petals crumble in my notebooks. Winter howls. Even my bones cry.
[another word choice here, perhaps]
Each morning, I wake up straining for tinkle melting sounds and the birds who will flock to see my spring, [then sleep another day]. [the birds?]
I like how you personify Spring in a male/female form
and bring them together in the last stanza, as one.
I would prefer the longer lines find more breaks.
I'd work out/clean up some of those prepositions.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love