Birthmark (Edit Two)

[fuzzyllama1]

Hey, I am very much enjoying reading and rereading your poem.  It's quite dense, and I'm noticing more with each read.  Below are some notes:


I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum*1 made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio

The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.*2

Or was it under the right?*3

You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust*4

Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled*5

Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her

I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.*6
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing*7

Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench*8

I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter

I forgot*9 to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.*10


*1- Not sure what the purpose of the rum line is.  I want to say it's to give the effect that the speaker has been drinking and is getting sappy under the influence (?). If so, I think this is a perfect, subtle cue to strengthen that sense of emotional distress/loneliness.  
*2- Are you trying to convey anything with the structure of these lines or are they separated for aesthetic purposes? I think if you restructure them you could add some more flavor.  For example, ending the line after "The birthmark" would force the reader to pause before moving to the next line, allowing them to ponder the mark for a moment, which I imagine the speaker does when reflecting on it.  Just a thought.
*3- This confusion reinforces why I think the speaker is mildly drunk
*4- I'd put a colon here.
*5- Maybe a semicolon or period here.
*6- I'm still trying to figure out what you're going for here (but that could just be my problem, not yours. Just because its not minor-league enough for me to understand doesn't mean it's not major-league enough to be important).
*7- Okay, this is just a question: does it feel like she (non-birthmark girl) is "not sharing" because she (same non-birthmark girl) took the speaker's "you" (birthmark girl) away, or something to that effect??
*8- I guess you don't really need punctuation here since the stanza break gives the effect of a pause, but I think adding a semicolon would be beneficial.  
*9 and *10- Awesome ending.  I feel like you're trying to say that usually, the speaker has been able to bring people in and out of his/her life under his/her circumstances (hence the helicopter).  However, birthmark girl was able to just walk in and out (step over the edges) on her own terms.  But, then why did the speaker "forget"? For me, that one word changes things and if my interpretation matches your intentions, I don't think "forgot" is a good word to use. Perhaps "I neglected to make an entrance," or "I ignored an entrance."  


Let me know what you think! Once again, nice job.

Beau,

Your extensive analysis helps me see how I am putting my ideas onto the page and into the reader's head. The slight drunkenness was a theme I was initially working on! I may get rid of it to focus more on the Birthmark or I may keep it. You'll have to stick around to find out

I think you are right that I should rework the line structure around the Birthmark section in the beginning. I'll keep looking at it more to see if I can convey the image I am seeing in my mind better.

For your number 7, all I will say is that you are very very close to the truth

I like neglected much more than forgot. I was actually stuck there for a good ten minutes trying to think of the right verb to use. I could not get the word forgot out of my mind, even though it didn't feel right to me. I think I was trying to go too strong with repetition from the beginning lines. Sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest too see straight.

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Birthmark Edit One

I can’t quite remember, This memory seems very personal to the speaker he refers to himself a few times throughout the poem, it draws the reader in, be selective about when he does this. 
or I made myself forget;
[ ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio ] I like this image but I feel like it's getting in the way of what you're trying to say. What if you deleted it and combined the first two lines and the following stanza? 
 
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most 
perfect thing about you.
 
Or was it under the right? I love this question/statement, but I feel like you gave it to me too soon. 
 
[You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts. ] these are three relatively generic feminine qualities which you donate a lot of space to for the poem, are there any other details which might paint a more rounded picture for the reader?
Flowers seemed unjust
 
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved 
how they smelled
 
[ Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes. ] Damn! I love this
I saw her coming,
You felt her
 
I spread myself too thin, 
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like 
she was sharing
 
Took me five years to walk away 
from our park bench
 
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
 
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out 
You could just step over the edges.

Some thoughts:
Wow! there is some stunning imagery working in here. I love the focus, narrative, and selective details you're playing with in the poem. There are quite a few relationships you highlight in the poem (speaker to woman, speaker to birthmark, speaker to speaker, speaker to other woman), I think the poem may be strengthened from honing in on exactly what you're trying to write about and communicate in this poem, and ensuring that everything you introduce you address. 

Narrative can be a really powerful tool, but sometimes when you have a little too much of it in such a small space the reader can get lost. I was really taken with a lot of the images, would love to see some fleshed out more to see if you can let them take some work off of the narrative's back

Hello Lyon,

Thank you for reading and analyzing my work. I have been thinking a lot about whether the rum line is necessary or not. I'll take your words into account when I make the decision.

I think your constructive criticism in the Pink stanza is helpful. Generic imagery for the sake of alliteration is not always the right choice. This is a romantic poem after all, I should give this woman my best! Your comments, both praise and criticism, have inspired me to flesh out these concepts a little more.