08-11-2017, 02:44 PM
Hey, I am very much enjoying reading and rereading your poem. It's quite dense, and I'm noticing more with each read. Below are some notes:
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum*1 made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.*2
Or was it under the right?*3
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust*4
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled*5
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.*6
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing*7
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench*8
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot*9 to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.*10
*1- Not sure what the purpose of the rum line is. I want to say it's to give the effect that the speaker has been drinking and is getting sappy under the influence (?). If so, I think this is a perfect, subtle cue to strengthen that sense of emotional distress/loneliness.
*2- Are you trying to convey anything with the structure of these lines or are they separated for aesthetic purposes? I think if you restructure them you could add some more flavor. For example, ending the line after "The birthmark" would force the reader to pause before moving to the next line, allowing them to ponder the mark for a moment, which I imagine the speaker does when reflecting on it. Just a thought.
*3- This confusion reinforces why I think the speaker is mildly drunk
*4- I'd put a colon here.
*5- Maybe a semicolon or period here.
*6- I'm still trying to figure out what you're going for here (but that could just be my problem, not yours. Just because its not minor-league enough for me to understand doesn't mean it's not major-league enough to be important).
*7- Okay, this is just a question: does it feel like she (non-birthmark girl) is "not sharing" because she (same non-birthmark girl) took the speaker's "you" (birthmark girl) away, or something to that effect??
*8- I guess you don't really need punctuation here since the stanza break gives the effect of a pause, but I think adding a semicolon would be beneficial.
*9 and *10- Awesome ending. I feel like you're trying to say that usually, the speaker has been able to bring people in and out of his/her life under his/her circumstances (hence the helicopter). However, birthmark girl was able to just walk in and out (step over the edges) on her own terms. But, then why did the speaker "forget"? For me, that one word changes things and if my interpretation matches your intentions, I don't think "forgot" is a good word to use. Perhaps "I neglected to make an entrance," or "I ignored an entrance."
Let me know what you think! Once again, nice job.
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum*1 made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.*2
Or was it under the right?*3
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust*4
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled*5
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.*6
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing*7
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench*8
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot*9 to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.*10
*1- Not sure what the purpose of the rum line is. I want to say it's to give the effect that the speaker has been drinking and is getting sappy under the influence (?). If so, I think this is a perfect, subtle cue to strengthen that sense of emotional distress/loneliness.
*2- Are you trying to convey anything with the structure of these lines or are they separated for aesthetic purposes? I think if you restructure them you could add some more flavor. For example, ending the line after "The birthmark" would force the reader to pause before moving to the next line, allowing them to ponder the mark for a moment, which I imagine the speaker does when reflecting on it. Just a thought.
*3- This confusion reinforces why I think the speaker is mildly drunk
*4- I'd put a colon here.
*5- Maybe a semicolon or period here.
*6- I'm still trying to figure out what you're going for here (but that could just be my problem, not yours. Just because its not minor-league enough for me to understand doesn't mean it's not major-league enough to be important).
*7- Okay, this is just a question: does it feel like she (non-birthmark girl) is "not sharing" because she (same non-birthmark girl) took the speaker's "you" (birthmark girl) away, or something to that effect??
*8- I guess you don't really need punctuation here since the stanza break gives the effect of a pause, but I think adding a semicolon would be beneficial.
*9 and *10- Awesome ending. I feel like you're trying to say that usually, the speaker has been able to bring people in and out of his/her life under his/her circumstances (hence the helicopter). However, birthmark girl was able to just walk in and out (step over the edges) on her own terms. But, then why did the speaker "forget"? For me, that one word changes things and if my interpretation matches your intentions, I don't think "forgot" is a good word to use. Perhaps "I neglected to make an entrance," or "I ignored an entrance."
Let me know what you think! Once again, nice job.