08-11-2017, 12:09 AM
Spring returns dressed in cherry blossoms and melts into the waiting laps of lovers embracing.
We run gentle fingers across the budding magnolias braided into his willow hair, falling into his eyes, brushing blushed cheeks in the wet smelling wind.
“Won’t you stay?” you ask, I whisper.
He caresses our lingering grasp with genteel grass.
not a bad way to start, you bring in many common spring themes right off the bat that makes anyone reminiscent of those memories maybe add more that can provide the full detail to bring in the reader more.
Spring lingered in the magnolia-fluttered grass until summer stormed in with windswept hair and wild eyes.
I could barely stand it. All that intense beauty gazing at me. So I sweat and I stuttered, until she left. She moved on.
But I am left in the aftermath of her whirlwind hurricane, panting, parched, exhausted.
The sun remains, though, and the grass still greens, and the river's still blue.
I drown the canal under rain-grey skies.
a breakup perhaps? or the feeling of spring moving on... perhaps both but my point is this is a great way to present it here.
Spring eludes me, and I miss them.
Through snowmen, down ski hills, past grey-white-coloured highways. By yellow spots in snow banks left by pomeranians and dachshunds and hobos, too, at the empty soup kitchen door.
Dried magnolia petals crumble in my notebooks. Winter howls. Even my bones cry.
Each morning, I wake up straining for tinkle melting sounds and the birds who will flock to see my spring, then sleep another day.
I would advise a revision here in bold perhaps a suggestion could be " I wake up straining to see the snow washed away in the warm rains to reveal the green flowing grass and the birds who return to see my spring.
the "then sleep another day" makes the ending a little confusing. you seem to dream for spring even to the previous sentence then sleeping another day is either a way to convey to see spring come and go again. In my opinion a revison as suggestion to the last line and the possible elimination to the sleep another day will end this very well. Just my thoughts otherwise this was very well done you conveyed your message very well.
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A- for an academic grade
We run gentle fingers across the budding magnolias braided into his willow hair, falling into his eyes, brushing blushed cheeks in the wet smelling wind.
“Won’t you stay?” you ask, I whisper.
He caresses our lingering grasp with genteel grass.
not a bad way to start, you bring in many common spring themes right off the bat that makes anyone reminiscent of those memories maybe add more that can provide the full detail to bring in the reader more.
Spring lingered in the magnolia-fluttered grass until summer stormed in with windswept hair and wild eyes.
I could barely stand it. All that intense beauty gazing at me. So I sweat and I stuttered, until she left. She moved on.
But I am left in the aftermath of her whirlwind hurricane, panting, parched, exhausted.
The sun remains, though, and the grass still greens, and the river's still blue.
I drown the canal under rain-grey skies.
a breakup perhaps? or the feeling of spring moving on... perhaps both but my point is this is a great way to present it here.
Spring eludes me, and I miss them.
Through snowmen, down ski hills, past grey-white-coloured highways. By yellow spots in snow banks left by pomeranians and dachshunds and hobos, too, at the empty soup kitchen door.
Dried magnolia petals crumble in my notebooks. Winter howls. Even my bones cry.
Each morning, I wake up straining for tinkle melting sounds and the birds who will flock to see my spring, then sleep another day.
I would advise a revision here in bold perhaps a suggestion could be " I wake up straining to see the snow washed away in the warm rains to reveal the green flowing grass and the birds who return to see my spring.
the "then sleep another day" makes the ending a little confusing. you seem to dream for spring even to the previous sentence then sleeping another day is either a way to convey to see spring come and go again. In my opinion a revison as suggestion to the last line and the possible elimination to the sleep another day will end this very well. Just my thoughts otherwise this was very well done you conveyed your message very well.
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A- for an academic grade