08-10-2017, 12:48 PM
Hey, I really like this. Here are a few compliments and comments that may help clear up your language and strengthen your themes.
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth*1
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down*2
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made*3
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells*4
DOWN DOWN DOWN*5
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am*6
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals*7 resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles*8
He forgot to go back you must Fight*9 every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind*10
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface*11
*1- I agree with the earlier comment that something to the effect of 'coolness' would create a nice contrast to the ending.
*2- This is a cool idea, nice
*3- I think I get what you're trying to say but it's a bit confusing. Perhaps some punctuation could help. The way I want to read it is: For Down is to live, the worm’s subconscious reminded him with every thought.
*4- All these he and his pronouns are getting a little convoluted and burdensome. I suggest cutting some of them out.
*5- I like when poems play with their aesthetics, so I'd enjoy putting each 'down' on a separate, spaced out line so the reader has to move down the paper, like the worm. Something like:
DOWN
DOWN
DOWN.
*6- This is a beautiful line
*7- Another powerful image
*8- From "he tells them no!" to my note, you can tell the intensity is increasing. These lines read quicker than earlier ones because of the building tension of the worm's rebellion. However, breaking them up into individual lines takes away from their intensity and slows down the rhythm. I think you should keep the wording of these lines the same, maybe even add some more imagery on how the worm feels as he rebels, but put them all on the same line.
*9- Why is "Fight" capitalized?
*10- I like how this and the two previous lines gradually get shorter, slowing down the pace of the poem as the tension dies down now that the worm is back to the start.
*11- Separate this line from the previous one. Also, I like how fried is past tense. It almost seems like there is a great passage of time between the last two lines since the speaker talks about the worm alive in the present tense, but uses past tense for the worm's death-as if the worm died long ago and the speaker is returning to the poem much later.
Overall, I think this is a fun poem with a meaningful theme. Other than these few notes, definitely consider messing with some punctuation too!
Look forward to reading the next version!
Beau
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth*1
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down*2
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made*3
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells*4
DOWN DOWN DOWN*5
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am*6
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals*7 resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles*8
He forgot to go back you must Fight*9 every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind*10
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface*11
*1- I agree with the earlier comment that something to the effect of 'coolness' would create a nice contrast to the ending.
*2- This is a cool idea, nice
*3- I think I get what you're trying to say but it's a bit confusing. Perhaps some punctuation could help. The way I want to read it is: For Down is to live, the worm’s subconscious reminded him with every thought.
*4- All these he and his pronouns are getting a little convoluted and burdensome. I suggest cutting some of them out.
*5- I like when poems play with their aesthetics, so I'd enjoy putting each 'down' on a separate, spaced out line so the reader has to move down the paper, like the worm. Something like:
DOWN
DOWN
DOWN.
*6- This is a beautiful line
*7- Another powerful image
*8- From "he tells them no!" to my note, you can tell the intensity is increasing. These lines read quicker than earlier ones because of the building tension of the worm's rebellion. However, breaking them up into individual lines takes away from their intensity and slows down the rhythm. I think you should keep the wording of these lines the same, maybe even add some more imagery on how the worm feels as he rebels, but put them all on the same line.
*9- Why is "Fight" capitalized?
*10- I like how this and the two previous lines gradually get shorter, slowing down the pace of the poem as the tension dies down now that the worm is back to the start.
*11- Separate this line from the previous one. Also, I like how fried is past tense. It almost seems like there is a great passage of time between the last two lines since the speaker talks about the worm alive in the present tense, but uses past tense for the worm's death-as if the worm died long ago and the speaker is returning to the poem much later.
Overall, I think this is a fun poem with a meaningful theme. Other than these few notes, definitely consider messing with some punctuation too!
Look forward to reading the next version!
Beau