08-10-2017, 05:02 AM
Birthmark Edit One
I can’t quite remember, This memory seems very personal to the speaker he refers to himself a few times throughout the poem, it draws the reader in, be selective about when he does this.
or I made myself forget;
[ ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio ] I like this image but I feel like it's getting in the way of what you're trying to say. What if you deleted it and combined the first two lines and the following stanza?
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right? I love this question/statement, but I feel like you gave it to me too soon.
[You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts. ] these are three relatively generic feminine qualities which you donate a lot of space to for the poem, are there any other details which might paint a more rounded picture for the reader?
Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled
[ Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes. ] Damn! I love this
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Some thoughts:
Wow! there is some stunning imagery working in here. I love the focus, narrative, and selective details you're playing with in the poem. There are quite a few relationships you highlight in the poem (speaker to woman, speaker to birthmark, speaker to speaker, speaker to other woman), I think the poem may be strengthened from honing in on exactly what you're trying to write about and communicate in this poem, and ensuring that everything you introduce you address.
Narrative can be a really powerful tool, but sometimes when you have a little too much of it in such a small space the reader can get lost. I was really taken with a lot of the images, would love to see some fleshed out more to see if you can let them take some work off of the narrative's back
I can’t quite remember, This memory seems very personal to the speaker he refers to himself a few times throughout the poem, it draws the reader in, be selective about when he does this.
or I made myself forget;
[ ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio ] I like this image but I feel like it's getting in the way of what you're trying to say. What if you deleted it and combined the first two lines and the following stanza?
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right? I love this question/statement, but I feel like you gave it to me too soon.
[You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts. ] these are three relatively generic feminine qualities which you donate a lot of space to for the poem, are there any other details which might paint a more rounded picture for the reader?
Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled
[ Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes. ] Damn! I love this
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Some thoughts:
Wow! there is some stunning imagery working in here. I love the focus, narrative, and selective details you're playing with in the poem. There are quite a few relationships you highlight in the poem (speaker to woman, speaker to birthmark, speaker to speaker, speaker to other woman), I think the poem may be strengthened from honing in on exactly what you're trying to write about and communicate in this poem, and ensuring that everything you introduce you address.
Narrative can be a really powerful tool, but sometimes when you have a little too much of it in such a small space the reader can get lost. I was really taken with a lot of the images, would love to see some fleshed out more to see if you can let them take some work off of the narrative's back
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir