Birthmark (Edit Two)

[fuzzyllama1]

Hi fuzzyllama. I see you made a few changes. I want to tell you at the end of this critique
my interpretation, or what I saw. I know this is basic critique, so I won't get too serious.



Birthmark
 
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;                          -I'd give this its own strophe
ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
 
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
 
Or was it under the right?
 
You were pink;                                        -might not need this punct, but it still works
filled me with perfume                              -but then these
and pencil skirts.                                       two lines are not a complete sentence.
Flowers seemed unjust                            -maybe move that punct here
 
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved                -i 'd switch the "like" for "in", or omit both.
how they smelled
 
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her                                            -some punct here
 
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing                                     -and here
 
Took me five years to walk away           -anagramming this sentence and adding just a tad
from our park bench                              might make it more poetic, but there's a lot of heart and depth hidden here
 
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
 
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.     




I was a bit confused in differentiating the person the narrator was addressing and the subject of discussion, but it could be my issues with comprehension. It seemed to be about a relationship and maybe some disappointment regarding it, then a sort of fellowship or comradery with another. I get confused again whether the last stanza is referring to the subject of discussion or the one who is being discussed. I see more a female standing atop the hedge pointing to a weakness or a bare spot to those who cannot step over on their own. But that's is poetry and me. Very much a thought provoking poem and the revision has met with an improvement. Thank you.


Nibbed

Thank you Nibbed, as always. Upon hearing advice from Todd and seeing your interpretation/analysis I think this poem needs re-worked again. I am led to the conclusion, thematically, this poem is spread too thin (like me! 155 now and going strong!). I think I am going to omit completely the Gut strophe and beyond. I'll save that content for another time. I want to develop the birthmark theme more with this work and I think the second half detracts from that goal.