08-09-2017, 01:27 AM
Dying Swan
One wing mangled,
but not as brutal can you use a word here besides brutal? perhaps something which represents more the effect your words had? exposed..
as those words I said when our naked bodies naked turns the line slightly cliche for me, I do not think the image changes or is weakened by removing it
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes. damn! love it!
The other wing open,
begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology.
The word sorry a lost feather
swept away by an autumn wind. hmm.. something about this stanza is not working for me. the last two lines especially. I have already heard your apology so the word "sorry" is superfluous, and the autumn wind can be a cliche. The imagery of a feather swept away is confusing me here because when I read the next line I imagine the swan who has lost a feather, not necessarily a swan who has lost it's mate (Which i'm not sure but I think is the image you're trying to present?)
I'm then compelled to envision its mate, perhaps increase the poem's tension by using more direct phrasing: "I envision [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]its[/font] mate"
flying away alone.
But I am not that abandoned swan.
Some thoughts:
Really stunning contrast of images! Love where this is going.
I'm not certain of what the poem is trying to say yet. [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]T[/font]he poem elicits a note of regret, but also perhaps of guilt? The images you're bringing of the swan itself are that it has a mangled wing and it is abandoned, and the title states that it's dying. I'm curious if there is more here besides the physical elements of the swan. What is it's emotional tenor? How does it hold itself? Can you use these images to up the ante on the comparison you're creating.
One wing mangled,
but not as brutal can you use a word here besides brutal? perhaps something which represents more the effect your words had? exposed..
as those words I said when our naked bodies naked turns the line slightly cliche for me, I do not think the image changes or is weakened by removing it
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes. damn! love it!
The other wing open,
begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology.
The word sorry a lost feather
swept away by an autumn wind. hmm.. something about this stanza is not working for me. the last two lines especially. I have already heard your apology so the word "sorry" is superfluous, and the autumn wind can be a cliche. The imagery of a feather swept away is confusing me here because when I read the next line I imagine the swan who has lost a feather, not necessarily a swan who has lost it's mate (Which i'm not sure but I think is the image you're trying to present?)
I'm then compelled to envision its mate, perhaps increase the poem's tension by using more direct phrasing: "I envision [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]its[/font] mate"
flying away alone.
But I am not that abandoned swan.
Some thoughts:
Really stunning contrast of images! Love where this is going.
I'm not certain of what the poem is trying to say yet. [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]T[/font]he poem elicits a note of regret, but also perhaps of guilt? The images you're bringing of the swan itself are that it has a mangled wing and it is abandoned, and the title states that it's dying. I'm curious if there is more here besides the physical elements of the swan. What is it's emotional tenor? How does it hold itself? Can you use these images to up the ante on the comparison you're creating.
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir