Birthmark (Edit Two)

[fuzzyllama1]

Hi Fuzzy, There are some things I like here. Let me give you a few comments below.

Take a look at your punctuation. You tend to skip end punctuation, and in line 1 you leave out a comma after "remember". I do that all the time (and fix it on revision) so it stands out to me. Just something to look at to build clarity and trust from the reader.

Birthmark

I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth--slight suggestion substitute "of" with "for"
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio--Nice little twist by adding the location.
 
The birthmark beneath your--I would actually consider starting here perhaps using your first two lines as a lead into this strophe. It seems to fit better with your title.
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you--This s an interesting line because it is pointing out something that would normally be considered a flaw but it is the imperfection that is alluring and probably humanizing. Given the title, it makes for an interesting theme to explore.
 
or was it under the right?--If you were rearranging things this question could sit atop your original opening strophe. Just a thought.
 
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts--Nice alliteration on pink, perfume and pencil. It makes the phrasing pop well. 
Flowers seemed unjust--like this and the strophe break

Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami--using end punctuation here and ending the line on you loved would produce some layered meaning between the lines.
You loved how they smelled
 
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,--Need a better transition to establish a new she instead of the original. It comes across but it takes a moment.
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though
 
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench--Nice break on years and a good way to show that the old relationship is in the speaker's thoughts.
 
I’ve had many women--Great line break
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
 
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,

I wanted to ask your advice on something with this poem. I switched the lines around in the beginning during my editing and I liked the structure of it the way you recommended. However, I want the poem to feel reminiscent. The way I structured it originally was in chronological order, which I feel like makes for sense for the context of the poem. Which would you recommend?

---

Hi,

I really loved the parts:

Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her


and


I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges. 

Gives me a sense of how supernaturally perceptive she was.

But I had trouble reading the poem because of the use of punctuation, for example, full stops in the middle of a line.

Hi mantis,

Thank you for your words. I am glad you enjoyed the "Gut" stanza. I just added that in yesterday and was unsure if it would fit well with the rest of the poem's context. I will continue to work on the punctuation. To me, it is reading better than it was before, but I am having a hard time with the concept of using the poem's structure and punctuation to show the reader when to stop and start.