Slow Hours

[billy]

hi alatos, like a schmuck i read all the replies and now i'm tainted
nonetheless here goes; i'm okay with odour, it is after all a piece of wood and not odecolode parfume a suggestion though would be to make it odours, {mingled smells of cedar} odour feels too stark. if you go that route i'd use billow instead of billows. you'd also have to make mixes mix, which for me has a better harmonic. there seems to be an abundance of comma but on the whole i enjoyed the read.

Slow Hours


Odor of cedar billows down from the dusky needles
and mixes with the scent of uncut grass.
I’ve worked hard in the sun. i've is [i have] which is a past tense i think but [it is] is present tense. i could be wrong but it's how i see it.
But it is cool in the shade.
Who could resist sleep here? would make a great first line


So I fade into dreams,
dreams of nights on the sleepless coast, for me there's one dream too many
in Málaga, where I first met you. why not [of malaga]
In Málaga, city of orange trees and starlight, no need for [in]
of deep-eyed gypsy singers.


Again, I see you in the garden,
and hear the Andalusian music rising,
the castanets louder, faster,
racing to the rhythm of my heart. good alliteration which lends the reader to the speeding castanets.


Love was simple, then,
sweet and blood-red
like the young garnacha
we poured and poured.


Those nights
we did not sleep,
but dreamed together,


dreamed of each-other not sure the 2nd dreamed does it for me.
all the slow hours of the night.
That was all. normally a line like this would read as a weak one but because it snaps the poem closed it works really well.