Birthmark (Edit Two)

[Lydish]

Hey fuzz,

I'm usually okay with no punctuation, but it's gotta make sense and be consistent if you don't use any. The punctuation you've got going on is so irregular, that it's hard to have them do their job (i.e. direct the reader in when to breathe, how the rhythm works, etc...)

This is a pretty love poem

I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio
second the suggestion of "for" for "of". Specifying central Ohio really makes this stanza!

The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you

or was it under the right?

You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts
Flowers seemed unjust

really like these beginning stanzas. Nice alliteration and imagery

Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami
Not sure what western origami is...
You loved how they smelled

I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though Confused by the capitalization in these lines


Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench

I’ve had many women
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter

maybe "Many women / sat there with me / wandered through my hedge maze" instead to keep the tense?

I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Nice ending and kinda creepy!