Slow Hours

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Alatos. A likable piece. A few thoughts below.

Slow Hours


Odor of cedar billows down from the dusky needles Of all the senses, the olfactory is the toughest in poetry. At least for me. Most of the descriptors carry a negative connotation, and frankly our options stink. I think "odor" is a harsh choice for the first word of such a piece. I would consider "the scent of cedar" (for sonics if nothing else) at the start and see what you can sub in L2.
and mixes with the scent of uncut grass.
I’ve worked hard in the sun. I think this line and the next could be one sentence.
But it is cool in the shade.
Who could resist sleep here?


So I fade into dreams,
dreams of nights on the sleepless coast,
in Málaga, where I first met you.
In Málaga, city of orange trees and starlight,
of deep-eyed gypsy singers. not sure if the repetition in this strophe does anything to help the poem


Again, I see you in the garden,
and hear the Andalusian music rising,
the castanets louder, faster,
racing to the rhythm of my heart.


Love was simple, then, ditch the comma after "simple"
sweet and blood-red
like the young garnacha
we poured and poured. more unnecessary repetition IMO


Those nights
we did not sleep,
but dreamed together,


dreamed of each-other I like the repetition of "dreamed" here. Go figure
all the slow hours of the night.
That was all. Love the last line.

Thanks for the read. Most of my notes are personal preference. Just one reader's perspective.
Paul