08-02-2017, 07:47 PM
[quote="Wright" pid='231903' dateline='1501127377']
First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells I feel that this comparison is inaccurate
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface
After reading some comments you guys have made I've tried to reduce the wordiness of Worm and some other changes
I can not decide what tense I want it to be in. This story is not supposed to be linear. It is supposed to disregard the meaning of time by allowing a past experience of the worm the same weight and "time" as the present. I am not sure how to articulate it much better than that, but if you have suggestions on which tense should be used i would love know!!
Hi,
I have lots of trouble with tense too, but I didn't find it hard to read your story, even if the tense wasn't consistent. What I did notice was that some punctuation would make the poem much easier to read.
The ending is quite surprising (and sad). It reminds me of how its often said that your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die... maybe that is how it worked out for the worm, and it was all part of the plan after all!
First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells I feel that this comparison is inaccurate
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface
After reading some comments you guys have made I've tried to reduce the wordiness of Worm and some other changes
I can not decide what tense I want it to be in. This story is not supposed to be linear. It is supposed to disregard the meaning of time by allowing a past experience of the worm the same weight and "time" as the present. I am not sure how to articulate it much better than that, but if you have suggestions on which tense should be used i would love know!!
Hi,
I have lots of trouble with tense too, but I didn't find it hard to read your story, even if the tense wasn't consistent. What I did notice was that some punctuation would make the poem much easier to read.
The ending is quite surprising (and sad). It reminds me of how its often said that your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die... maybe that is how it worked out for the worm, and it was all part of the plan after all!