Fourth Edit: Hometown

[Lizzie]

Hi Richard! Some thoughts for you:

First Edit:

I
The moonlight tried to give me solace. -- how did it do that? Maybe comparing the moonbeams to arms? Why did it fail? I think you need to extend this metaphor to clarity.
The transparent clouds knew my intention -- how do you know that they knew? I like that you call the clouds transparent instead of the speaker.
as I paused and pretended to ponder
a decision I'd already made. -- like these last two lines, glad you kept them


I thought of that day last summer,
of how my Résumé was stuck in my hand -- these lines are too specific, I think. The line about retirement, too. The first version had a universality that got lost with the insertion of these details. I preferred a little vaguery around the story line.
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep. -- I like that you kept this line, although it had more punch as a beginning line.

II
After retirement, I returned.
You seemed more beautiful than before, -- I'd consider another word than beautiful -- it's actually a non-specific word, since beauty can be so subjective. I'd choose another descriptor that helps the reader understand what's so special about that person, since they're mostly a blank right now.
and this made me hate you worse.

Overall, I'd like to see you extend the initial metaphors and use them to say more about the situation/speaker indirectly like you did with "transparent." The moon/clouds clearly are a stand-in for somebody, and that's currently where the drama resides.

Hope this helps some!

Best,

Lizzie