Worm

[billy]

a lot can be cut away and a lot can be kept. rhyme and grammar both have their place as does the lack of it so no problem on that score. i spotted a couple of metaphor and a simile. a piece this size could always be helped with a few more of each. i got the feeling though that in and of itself, the poem was a metaphor; this is a good thing even if it wasn't intended. it shows me that sometimes the struggle to achieve or attain something can have too great a cost.
to the poem; i'll just do a couple of examples on how you could if you wished cut away some of the excess fat. feel free to ignore them alos think about word choice, is warmth better than warmness, could a better word serve as a help to what you us to feel a word like cosy or cloying {depending on what the worm is feeling. why all caps yet no grammar? more than anything i enjoyed that the poem showed me some emotion and allowed me to also feel it.

sorry for any of the small inserts, i'm rusty on my feedback and it was the only way i could explain thing.

you can do a lot more editing than i suggested which was just some food for thought.

First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!

Worm

The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth

His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for motivating it's/hisevery move he made
Everything he was was down while you don't like grammar, [was was] reads awkwardly, could you manage just one or two commas in the poem to stop the reader stumbling?
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious [shouted/ordered] reminded himself for every thought he made needs a comma
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil this is great line best so far, it helps me feel the worms pain
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down needs a comma
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface feels forced, [it ends too obviously] one way you could go is to use a line space or two before the end line and leave the reader to work out what happened with a simple [[b]and stops digging] or some such phrase. [/b]