Songs, v 2

[ellajam]

Hi, river, there's a lovely floating quality to this. I'm not sure what you're hoping to do with the off punctuation, for me it was more distruptive than anything else. I'm still on the fence about those slippery lines that would be enjambed if they were complete. Some notes:

Songs


Lover.

I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room The idea of playing to the bug is interesting.
has a perfect view for me, a comma after room then "with its" instead of "has a" would work better.
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.

Beloved. I am dark but lovely,
you daughters of Jerusalem.

I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew I'm not sure what you gain by not using "dad and mom", I like the break on flew, a lot.
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too. I like the repeat of silhouette, it adds to the wispy feeling.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. The poem establishes a dreamy breeze running through it.

Lover. In the Suburbs...

Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick. I'm lost here, I'm ok with the jealous anger but I can't put it together with killers.

I like black music, too. Black music bothers me, I don't know what you mean so I miss the opportuniy for a soundtrack.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains This is the second slippery sentence where I'd prefer different punctuation.
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot. I like the horror of how the land was changed and the acceptance we live with.

Beloved.

When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.I'd like a period after roof, aside from that a beautiful strophe.

Sometimes writing the critique helps me settle some things I don't get but with this one I still don't get what you are after with the style you used. But still, I'm enjoying the poem, thanks for posting it.