07-28-2017, 10:35 AM
Hi, Wright. Welcome here.
I was riding along in your poem
and then, well, that ending!
Thankfully, it was just a worm!
Worm
The little worm dug his way/ into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation /for every move he made
Everything he was /was down
For down is to live/ the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made [this is not complete]
He felt the struggle/ of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight/ of the dirt above him /but still he dug down
He considered stopping/ to see how far he had come/ or at least to try to dig backwards/ However the metronome of purpose/ ticked in his head [:]
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down[,] fatigued/ by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him,/ and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun./ He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered/ going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could/ feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down [?]
Why am I so helpless to what I am[?]
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was/ he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them[,] no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been/ and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had [needs clarity]
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes[,] the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface [ sad, but surprising end!]
This is a good first posting.
I made a few suggestions
on breaking up the lines.
Thank you for the opportunity
to read and critique your poem.
nibbed
I was riding along in your poem
and then, well, that ending!
Thankfully, it was just a worm!
Worm
The little worm dug his way/ into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation /for every move he made
Everything he was /was down
For down is to live/ the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made [this is not complete]
He felt the struggle/ of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight/ of the dirt above him /but still he dug down
He considered stopping/ to see how far he had come/ or at least to try to dig backwards/ However the metronome of purpose/ ticked in his head [:]
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down[,] fatigued/ by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him,/ and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun./ He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered/ going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could/ feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down [?]
Why am I so helpless to what I am[?]
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was/ he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them[,] no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been/ and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had [needs clarity]
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes[,] the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface [ sad, but surprising end!]
This is a good first posting.
I made a few suggestions
on breaking up the lines.
Thank you for the opportunity
to read and critique your poem.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love