07-28-2017, 02:56 AM
Mandatory warning: I’m a noob.
Anyways.
I like the first 3 lines, because I completely understand them.
From that point you lost me. I read several times aloud and nothing coherent comes in my minds eye while reading lines 5-8. I understand what I read, but no images appear in my mind.
And then again your writing hooks me for the lines 9 and 10, but loses for the very last one.
It’s really difficult to even suggest any specific changes for the words/lines on the hand because I’m a noobie, on the other hand because I don’t know what exactly you want say in your second stanza.
Anyways.
I like the first 3 lines, because I completely understand them.
From that point you lost me. I read several times aloud and nothing coherent comes in my minds eye while reading lines 5-8. I understand what I read, but no images appear in my mind.
And then again your writing hooks me for the lines 9 and 10, but loses for the very last one.
It’s really difficult to even suggest any specific changes for the words/lines on the hand because I’m a noobie, on the other hand because I don’t know what exactly you want say in your second stanza.