07-28-2017, 01:05 AM
Hello Wright, and welcome. You have a likable story here. The are a few lines that are confusing to me and you could probably cut the word count by about 20%. Some of the line lengths are erratic but some word cutting may help that also. I will try to make some suggestions below.
Paul
(07-27-2017, 12:49 PM)Wright Wrote:Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing. I would consider losing the caps at the start of each line - it would make the entire poem more clear. I think some careful punctuation would allow you to remove some of the repetition and wordiness. You might also consider some white space between ideas. I hope that helps get you started.
First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth -cool of the earth may contrast better with your ending
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made would prefer "four" to 4
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made long line and a little confusing
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil I like unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down He He He
He considered stopping <<<
to see how far he had come
or at least to try to dig backwards
However the metronome
of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult
(he?)is reminded of his childhood from smells>>> just an example of how you might shorten some lines
DOWN DOWN DOWN - bold and caps probably not necessary
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot (that) to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Relive the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey did you mean to switch to present tense here?
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface strong finish
Paul
