i don't need you to tell me you don't think it's as good as it could be, i need you to show me the actual direction it's supposed to go to work for you. if you really get the poem, re-write it in your own voice. that's the honest and poet thing to do for another poet. but, remember, lots of people think poetry is just saying shit to say shit, and when they get to know what's what they read it for what it is. that's why i think this is too trippy -- that you're not finding the language i wrote this in.
i did mike. about a shitload of posts ago. i gave my take on it. how stanza 2 didn't work as well as it should for me and why.
one thing must be clear between writer and critic. they don't, can't know each other. you have no idea how i feel, what i think or how i think. i tell you, you don't cant tell me.
i can't write your poem. i can only tell you what i get from it. you can't tell me why i get or don't get something from it. you don't know me.
i can't tell you to re write. i can only tell you it's my opinion that you should re do certain aspects. (the one i pointed out)
if i don't get the language then the poems already alien to me and beyond hope to me the individual reader. i don't care if the whole world understand a part of it, and why it was done that way. i don't, i didn't i told you where and why. end of. change it or leave it but don't read my thoughts...you'll fail not only will you fail you'll fail implicitly. accept my comment as mine. not yours not everyone or anyone else, as i accept the poem is yours.
it's pointless me commenting on your poem and then you commenting on how my comment is wrong. it's my opinion leave it alone.
heres what i said.for me one of the stanza is a little ambiguous in the theme of the poem. namely the 2nd one. i'll take that back. it's too out of touch with the rest of the poem. i will not tell you how to write your poem only where it affects me negatively or positively and why. i also mentioned the twigs. and placed a thought of sapling there. twigs have a connotation of age. and i presumed rightly or wrongly the early part of the poem was the early part of the adventure.