07-18-2017, 01:23 AM
worsgobbler,
Wow, this poem showcases words put in pretty places and a story that hopefully few of your audience can relate to.
As for the advice, my first tip is to NOT include your paragraph at the beginning. Sure, it helps your audience gain a larger understanding, but another important part of poetry is finding a way to relay what you're trying to say with mere lines of stanzas, erecting descriptors to everyday things and call it a beauty, lifting impossible metaphors into your work and hope, just hope the audience will understand. By relaying what the poem means, we aren't open to much interpretation, and what the poem means to us.
*I personally think you should post this poem in a thread that is a tier higher than this, for the reason that you seem familiar with poetry, and I assume the higher the tier, the more experienced writers you will encounter*
The structure of the poem is a bit odd (but that might just be a me thing). When a line ends, I automatically pause before the next sentence, which wouldn't work well. I'm going to assume the audience as a whole feels the same way.
"Manners for every meal with crushed
Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors."
In a layout such as the one you propose, this defeats the purpose of your lines creating powerful and lasting lines (which I should add, the last part of the poem does wonderful at). Pausing after each finish becomes tedious when it's supposed to continue. If this as purposeful, I recommend waiting for another reply about it. If it disagrees, do as you will. But if it agrees, I say take some more thought into it.
- cue abrupt ending -
Raspberry Lemonade
Wow, this poem showcases words put in pretty places and a story that hopefully few of your audience can relate to.
As for the advice, my first tip is to NOT include your paragraph at the beginning. Sure, it helps your audience gain a larger understanding, but another important part of poetry is finding a way to relay what you're trying to say with mere lines of stanzas, erecting descriptors to everyday things and call it a beauty, lifting impossible metaphors into your work and hope, just hope the audience will understand. By relaying what the poem means, we aren't open to much interpretation, and what the poem means to us.
*I personally think you should post this poem in a thread that is a tier higher than this, for the reason that you seem familiar with poetry, and I assume the higher the tier, the more experienced writers you will encounter*
The structure of the poem is a bit odd (but that might just be a me thing). When a line ends, I automatically pause before the next sentence, which wouldn't work well. I'm going to assume the audience as a whole feels the same way.
"Manners for every meal with crushed
Ignorance to wash it all down. I yearned
Stupidly: rocking chair. Light bulb. Scissors."
In a layout such as the one you propose, this defeats the purpose of your lines creating powerful and lasting lines (which I should add, the last part of the poem does wonderful at). Pausing after each finish becomes tedious when it's supposed to continue. If this as purposeful, I recommend waiting for another reply about it. If it disagrees, do as you will. But if it agrees, I say take some more thought into it.
- cue abrupt ending -
Raspberry Lemonade
Smooth is my tongue,
Sharper are my teeth