Something about you

[crow]

Proofers Edit

Edit 2

Something about you
—consider a comma after you
this morning, with the roses
—consider cutting "with"
blown delicately in the early winter
—strongly consider "delicate" instead of -ly. I think the idea is that the rose blooms are delicate, and not that they bloomed delicately

gardens, came to my mind.
—came to mind or to my mind?
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
—ambiguity here. are the thoughts ambling on a dawn bus ride, or is that on a dawn bus ride, the narrator is bored. This is a significant issue. (

past backyard and bramble,
—super duper ambiguity. Are the thoughts ambling so or is this the bus route?
—consider "backyards," bc otw I think it's incredibly important you didn't use the plural

through a [fogbound] city,
—consider "foggy," as "fogbound" means "unable to move bc of fog"

its blackened brick walls
—consider omitting "its." Otw, I have to cast about for the antecedent

left behind.
—just about impossible to construe.

Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
—the "it" jars me, forces me to reread, then frustrates me. If that's your intent, no problem

came to mind.
—is the omission of "my" important?


This poem is baffling. Not sure if I'm happy about that. So . . .

The questions are"what is the something? who is 'you'?"

I want to say it's a poem about masturbation, but . . .

Gotta go, but I'll try to come back and elaborate.