Metanoia
#4
Hey Ateri,
Welcome of the site Smile

I like the overall idea in your poem. However, I found some of the punctuation a bit confusing and thought you could have done more with your subject material. I'll go into more detail below:

(07-13-2017, 10:27 AM)Ateri Wrote:  She awakens in the twilight,
face dusted in cold dew. -Is she outside? Can there be dew inside someone's home? I'm not a science person, so may be I am wrong here to point this out.
crouched beneath the pallor of an ivory full moon. -I feel like you could use a better word than "ivory" to describe the moon. It's not incorrect, but it's like describing a fire engine as red.
and out wet, shivering lips come
Righteous Incantations -This line is obviously important to the overall meaning of the poem. It is repeated and capitalized, giving it emphasis. My suggestion here would be to think about going into greater detail. May be add a stanza giving the reader an excerpt from this "Righteous Incantation". 

A string of words entwined into the night air. -Giving specific words would better help to communicate the main idea of your poem.
tears, sweat and spit brewed with stardust, stewing into a frustrated invocation.-Why is there no capital at the start of this sentence? You need to go all in on one side: either no punctuation at all or following basic punctuation rules. 
seeking deliverance through =Maybe think about telling us why she is so desperate for deliverance.
Righteous Incantations

And when the twilight has melted into rays of shying daylight, -I like "shying daylight" and would suggest expanding on it as an image.
she shambles into ratty sheets.-Why are the sheets "ratty"?
even in her dreams she forms the cross; -What is she dreaming about? I want more detail.
sacrificing ragged breaths to bring about curses so forceful her body ceases. -The phrase "her body ceases" made me think she died. I would suggest rephrasing this part of the line.
trembling with the force of
Righteous Incantations

They say pray without ceasing, -Who is "they"?
so she cooks with the Spirit. -I think I know what you mean here, but the wording could be made clearer. For example, this line could be misinterpreted as the Spirit being some sort of spice.
oil, salt and cow’s tongue
thrown into the fiery depths of a cast iron pan, -Why is the pan described like hell? This seems a bit of over kill in terms of the imagery for your poem.
while ardent words erupt from her jaw.
and in the heat of her Passion the food is forgotten. -This makes her religious beliefs seem dangerous. Was that your intention?
the shrieking of the fire alarm like Church bells.
tendrils of smoke curling off the stove become the incense blessing each -I like the imagery here, and I would like to see an entire poem built around this stanza. Does this woman die here?
Righteous Incantation

You want to push the Devil out of your Life,-Why does the poem shift focus from the woman to the reader? I would suggest retooling this stanza so it focuses more on the woman in the poem.
but it seems He’s found purchase in your desperation. -How so? You need to give more detail here.
wondering if you have been forsaken,
the bitterness bubbling underneath your nescience threatens to spill over in contempt.
cast you down from the place you found comfort.
hurl you from your notion of sanity. -I want these ideas of bitterness, contempt, comfort and sanity applied to the woman.

Torment her until she becomes fiendish. -What is tormenting her, religion or the devil? This could be clearer.
swollen with the vitriol of
Righteous Incantations -This line is repeated too much for my liking. I would suggest cutting it in a few spots.
I think you have some thoughts in here that are worth exploring. However, you need to focus on editing this poem a bit. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Messages In This Thread
Metanoia - by Ateri - 07-13-2017, 10:27 AM
RE: Metanoia - by ellajam - 07-14-2017, 05:38 AM
RE: Metanoia - by tectak - 07-15-2017, 02:28 AM
RE: Metanoia - by Richard - 07-15-2017, 02:47 AM
RE: Metanoia - by Ateri - 07-15-2017, 10:57 AM
RE: Metanoia - by Keith - 07-15-2017, 08:46 PM



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