07-14-2017, 10:02 PM
Hi, CRNDLSM.
I will attempt to offer a gentle critique,
make general comments. The poem
already seems nearly perfect.
Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.
Over and under, ready to retire,
squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire. I detect a bully in this last line. Reminded me of a riverfront squabble.
Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around. Really good expression of frustration, and a rhyme to boot.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down. judgemental in many ways
Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down. sad, troubling two lines. personal, a signature
Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst. introspective
Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, and never cower.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our. thru torture, thoughtful encouragement toward another is admirable
Over and under in under and hour
I'm going down that signature again. oh, there's a typo on this line, perhaps.
there's a lot of gifted clever rhyme going on here.
I liked the cadence I made up in my head.
the poem was a bit troubling, reflected a disturbance,
though often my take on things is different than intent.
I wanted to see it as two poems, separated...
or a set of poems
ending in that signature.
Over and under in under an hour
I'm going down.
thank you for the read.
nibbed
I will attempt to offer a gentle critique,
make general comments. The poem
already seems nearly perfect.
Incinerate the liar, insinuating fire!
Destruction's a dumb, but default desire.
Over and under, ready to retire,
squires get higher til their suppliers cut the wire. I detect a bully in this last line. Reminded me of a riverfront squabble.
Fist to the ground, reverberating sound,
bound to ideals you're tightly wound around. Really good expression of frustration, and a rhyme to boot.
Twisting a frown, you found it profound,
you surrounded the town but it's already burning down. judgemental in many ways
Over and under, in under an hour
I'm going down. sad, troubling two lines. personal, a signature
Pinching your purse, to try and reverse your thirst.
Coerced by the urge to splurge, and quench it first.
Rehearsing a curse because your headaches about to burst,
but can't reimburse the verse if it's the worst of the worst. introspective
Bend in the wind to rejuvenate your power.
Don't worry about repercussions, and never cower.
Over and under, Babel builds a tower,
and no one's immune to the infernal Our. thru torture, thoughtful encouragement toward another is admirable
Over and under in under and hour
I'm going down that signature again. oh, there's a typo on this line, perhaps.
there's a lot of gifted clever rhyme going on here.
I liked the cadence I made up in my head.
the poem was a bit troubling, reflected a disturbance,
though often my take on things is different than intent.
I wanted to see it as two poems, separated...
or a set of poems
ending in that signature.
Over and under in under an hour
I'm going down.
thank you for the read.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love