Starkillers

[Ateri]

v1.1

The fragile mesh of thoughts
torn by a falling star.
A sundering of worlds came I believe sundering is a verb and cannot be used as it is in this line. Consider trying the noun 'sunderance' instead.
the incompleteness
taunting.                            Who or what is the incompleteness taunting? Why is it taunting? A more concrete image may help clarify the meaning of this line.

In dark desires, glory was found       I really like these three lines! The image of glory itself being butchered and hung up is wonderful.
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities.

Twisted wraiths
float in the vacuum;                       
We are starkillers.
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry.

Never-ending sham
of complexity, riddles,
truths shared hesitantly.
A torn mask      How does the torn mask relate to the lie? [b]A more concrete image may help clarify the meaning of this line.[/b]                 
marks this lie.
Draw a gaudy heart               
across an empty chest.


Original:

Pride ate through the fragile mesh

of thoughts till
a sundering of worlds came,
the incompleteness, taunting

In dark desires, glory was found
butchered, hung up by the window
for finer sensibilities

Twisted tufts of bloody fur
marked the victims
better men

Broken mirrors float
in the lonely space between
two halves;
"We are starkillers
Our truth will bind you
brand you
leave you hungry"

Grasping at holes
as life flows out
failing to keep it together

Never-ending sham of
Completion
of complexity, riddles
truths shared hesitantly

Draw a gaudy heart
across an empty chest