Wearing My Issues

[theyellowfog]

Thanks so much, billy. I really appreciate the feedback. I'm definitely going to spend lots of time reworking this. I'm enjoying reading the poetry on this forum and peoples' critiques. It's much different than being on deviantart or other websites where people only tell you good things. That's why I joined here. I didn't even realize how telly it was until you and others pointed it out, but it's definitely something I have to work on. I'm going to spend a lot of time working on this, but I think it will be a while until I have something I'm proud of haha. I'm sticking around this site, but I'm taking my time with reworking this one. I have other poems I'm working on as well, and already I've noticed areas in which I need to improve them just from my short time being on this website. I've read a lot of the advice for new people and realize that I make a lot of mistakes that new poets make, so I have a long way to go. Anyway, thanks again.

hi TYF,

you get the point across and in places the poem connected with me. i think you could take out a lot of the verbiage without losing anything. once that's done you could use a few simile/metaphore and make it just a little less telly. i'd also consider reworking the end as it feels a little cheesy. i did enoy some of the originality, and the simile in the first stanza. sadly it was the only one to be had.