Mother of Tunnels
#2
(07-06-2017, 01:09 AM)Radetof.Yahska Wrote:  Subtitle: Todo el mundo suda

O Mother of Tunnels!                  
Eater of senses!              sense has a double meaning, which is confusing (as it probably should be), I fit in the one that stands for meaning (for the moment)
I bow to you. 
Your hollows hide 
Your acrid charms.             interesting adjective for charms.. fits to these tunnels and draws attention to the subtitle (though I can´t decipher what the sweat could mean).

Acolytes whirling,             
Arms akimbo;                 akimbo goes well with acolytes who don´t think of themselves as such..
somehow I searched this line for the same meter as in  "acolytes whirling" (as well as in the first two lines of the first stanza)  but I can´t think of a way to realize that, not that it were that important anyway

Their howling fills  
the outer worlds.   
Such nakedness                  naked…  howling? makes me think you want to say that naked sense destroys earth…  and I don´t even have a clue who these acolytes belong to (what I read into this is probably far off, so this is just feedback on what your poem could say to readers)
devours the Earth.          

I come to dig     
Till all is light.     light and tunnels.. a dark association        
 
a mysterious poem I enjoyed reading, although it leaves me with questions.
...
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Messages In This Thread
Mother of Tunnels - by Radetof.Yahska - 07-06-2017, 01:09 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by vagabond - 07-06-2017, 02:38 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by Radetof.Yahska - 07-06-2017, 03:02 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by vagabond - 07-06-2017, 03:12 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by Tiger the Lion - 07-06-2017, 03:49 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by Radetof.Yahska - 07-06-2017, 03:53 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by Tiger the Lion - 07-06-2017, 04:11 AM
RE: Mother of Tunnels - by Radetof.Yahska - 07-06-2017, 04:16 AM



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