Brothers

[ellajam]

now to the poem. in a nutshell it reads as a very weak poem. lines like
"I lost a brother to this land
You really do not understand
I lost a brother by my hand
It hurts so much. Please understand
But you can't, you'll never see
I lost my brother. Please help me"

take 6 lines to say what can be said in one or two, the rhymes feel forced and more than a little weak

really? i don't believe occam's razor always applies. not everything should be said with just the shortest amount of words. sometimes repetition is necessary, and i thought it was for this to emphasize the fact i will never see my brother again, and it fucking hurts and gets worse. so do you really think it would have been better just to use two lines? why is repetition forbidden? and who makes these rules about how many lines it takes to explain something? i thought poetry was supposed to be flexible.

in general you need to cut any wasted or repeated lines away, you need to use some original similes/metaphors and to really think about the end rhymes you use. especially after the intro,  {sorry for saying this} i want to feel your pain and emotional upheaval. at present i see, feel to little of it.

then i guess this isn't for me. i know i asked for feedback and everything but i wasnt really prepared for someone to just call it outright 'weak', so thanks for that. and honestly, i'm being truthful here, i knew i was repeating certain aspects and did it on purpose for the reasons i already stated. it wasnt forced man, i did it on purpose. obviously that must be the 'wrong' thing to do in poetry. i don't know who the fuck makes these rules but yeah, okay. sorry but i don't like using overly-flowery prose because it seems 'over the top' and actually makes it feel less emotional for me. maybe if i quoted fucking shakespeare i'd get a better reaction, but my brother never had time for any of that shit.

whatever. thanks for the fucking feedback about my shitty poem. i won't bother again. sorry bro.

Hi, Jase. Your response surprises me. From the Basic Critique forum rules:

...
Post here if:
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem
...
Don't take any negative feedback personally -- use it to improve.

If you had a little patience you might have had different responses from other members, but with your hostile response that is unlikely.


Some points you might have asked about if you didn't understand:

When someone speaks of forced rhyme they mean a word seems to be chosen solely for the rhyme instead of searching for the best word or the line seems to be twisted to make the rhyme land at the end.

Repetition is a tool that can be effective when deftly controlled. When the subject of the poem is a huge loss that frequently has enough impact on it own, no reader will forget it, and a poem can be more moving giving a reader a sense of the loss instead of restating the fact.

Unfortunately, your post is an example of how not to respond in a workshop.