07-04-2017, 05:38 AM
Hi, welcome to the Pen. You've got a solid, interesting metaphor here, congrats. 
My suggestion is to remove the list from S1 and condense your opening making every word count. Then you could spend the poem describing the unstitching of each badge, preferably finding an evocative way to describe depression, etc, what you think of when you see each badge without actually naming it.
Then you could turn the poem to the sewing on of the new badges, what you would like to wear for the future, the same way.
I would cut anything that doesn't fit this fine metaphor, that could be a different poem. Even if you try this and prefer your original poem, I think you would gain from the exercise, focus in.
That's what I would do if it was mine, good luck with it.
My suggestion is to remove the list from S1 and condense your opening making every word count. Then you could spend the poem describing the unstitching of each badge, preferably finding an evocative way to describe depression, etc, what you think of when you see each badge without actually naming it.
Then you could turn the poem to the sewing on of the new badges, what you would like to wear for the future, the same way.
I would cut anything that doesn't fit this fine metaphor, that could be a different poem. Even if you try this and prefer your original poem, I think you would gain from the exercise, focus in.
That's what I would do if it was mine, good luck with it.
Quote:Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.
This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.
But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.
The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.
I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.
It's always been like this.
Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -
There I go again.
I don't want to write another sad poem.
I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.
Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips