07-03-2017, 12:36 AM
I really like the story and chasing after the word slow, it's a great idea and some part you pull off nicely. I don't like the day way stay rhymes repeated in two strophes so close to each other back to back at the beginning. Maybe one strophe removed or moved to the end for symmetry and rounded back to the beginning. On the page they would stay doesn't flow for me. And til I was dead at the end is cheesy. Yeah, I would move the beginning to the end, good luck!
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