First Edit: The Last Flower
#4
(07-01-2017, 01:27 PM)Richard Wrote:  The Last Flower               why cursive?

Later,                    I think you don´t need later, right now and tomorrow, the progress of  her condition is clear already in the poem.
she will remember the flowers                I´d keep this stanza (and the whole poem) in present tense
he brought home,
and how he smelled of sweat and metal
after his back-shift.
She'll smell the bacon grease
from the breakfast she made him that day.
She'll then repeat her side of the conversation       I think “her part of the conversation” would fit better  – “her side” opens another topic (of couples misunderstanding each other) which seems distracting to me as it´s not important in the state "she" is in.
to a barren wall.
She doesn't hear the ensuing silence.     

Right now,
she tells everyone about her family
and Whitney Pier.
Some of the nurses listen
while others become like dead friends,      yes, but would she realize that? I´d just write “the nurses seem to listen”
their eyes blind and ears deaf.    -  an accusatory tone that is not necessary.. appearing to listen is already sort of decent, better than pointing out her confusion to her. you could add “sometimes they answer like dead friends”
“My son should be here

soon,” she says.

Tomorrow,
she’s a girl again,
watching the dandelions outside her room
turn into puffs of smoke,
escaping stacks from the steel plant.
She tries to tell someone,    maybe “alert” instead of “tell”? would indicate her fear caused by confusion
but her voice sounds            you could write “but the words drown” instead of describing her voice.
old and dying.
Her confusion is like a wave
smashing Dominion Beach.

“Where is my husband?”
she asks.
“Dead.”
She knows that word,
but thinks of the dandelions.
“Where is my son?”
she whimpers.
“Gone away to work.”
She cries like an unwanted refugee.
“Where is my husband?”
she asks again,
wheezing with malcontent,
desperate for an answer.     this stanza seems too long to me, and a little too concrete.. maybe you can describe how she is not contended with the answers she gets

Daily,
the truth strangles her                          I d rather write that questions strangle her since that is all she has and truth is a more or less nebulous concept anyway not only for her..
like a weed choking the last flower
in an abandoned garden.
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Messages In This Thread
First Edit: The Last Flower - by Richard - 07-01-2017, 01:27 PM
RE: The Last Flower - by Achebe - 07-01-2017, 01:54 PM
RE: The Last Flower - by just mercedes - 07-01-2017, 05:53 PM
RE: The Last Flower - by vagabond - 07-01-2017, 09:41 PM
RE: The Last Flower - by Richard - 07-02-2017, 04:34 AM
RE: First Edit: The Last Flower - by Richard - 07-03-2017, 05:45 AM



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