Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A few thoughts on your edit. It seems cleaner than the original. Here a few slight suggestions below:

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park--Since only one swan is in view and one envisioned perhaps Swan singular instead of Swans.

One wing bloodied, mangled;--I'm not sure you need two modifiers here. I'd be tempted to cut bloodied
its exposed bones a different white than the rest.--This almost allows you to cut mangled as well and blend the lines. I like the diction.
The other wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation,--I like the image and the implied motion of the wing.
but its feathers are denied
the blue of the sky.

The indifferent ground--Possibly invert " the ground indifferent"
only offers support through happenstance,--You could cut only
while I--Just a thought you could pull up can't to end this line
can't look away.

I make eye contact--I'm not sure how valuable this line is. A potential cut.
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,--One other possibility. You could change can't look away to "can't help" then do the strophe break and lead with "but envision its mate,"
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams.--This is a mouthful to end on. Consider either paring it down or possibly reversing the last two lines (and still paring this one down). Ending on flight while denying flight in the beginning does produce a nice symmetry.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd