The Door (Complete Revised Edit)

[Todd]

Hi Flowerchild,

Here are some comments on your revision. I haven't read any of the revision critiques so I may repeat some ideas.

Fully Completed Revision:

Days are repeating like dusty old records.--Your original opening is a bit better in my opinion because dusty old records can't repeat--that's a more modern feature. Your original: "The days play over, like records on repeat" could be records in a more general sense. Dusty locks in the original image of a record which is great I just don't think there was a true repeat feature then.
I can't keep tracks, they're nothing more than emotions sung aloud.--Just a thought an interesting line break here would be after nothing. Nothing as an end word would provide an interesting layer of meaning.
I've heard a thousand smiles fade,--I like hearing something that is normally accessed through sight.
and a hundred dreams wither away.--You could likely even make these last two lines more tied to your metaphor by making them carry more aspects of songs.

Keep looking ever deeper dear, 
to all that lies beneath.
My skin's surface,
a facade,
this happiness you see.

Now I understand;
this just wasn't meant to be.--just can almost always be cut. It's a filler throwaway word.

I'm a prisoner of the past
and my cell guard is the future.--I don't mind the shift in imagery I just wish you tied it back to a song somehow.
Death is calling out to me,
how can I subdue her?

I already was there,--nearly died but was resuscitated. 
and far I ventured to come back.
I vowed I'd never return to that place;
where my soul is empty and black.--I'm reading this to be that it isn't death that is empty and black but the circumstance she finds herself in in life.

I stared into her eyes,
felt their unforgiving gaze--Unforgiving doesn't feel like the right word here. There is a finality to it but unforgiving seems to be the wrong conotation.
and soon enough I disappeared
into a somber daze.

Inside I saw my future,
and suddenly I knew.
Everything I'd built
was all destroyed by you.--This strophe needs more imagery. It shouldn't just relate facts to us.

I wish you knew forgiveness,
a dear old friend of mine;
one who guided me through darkness
and taught me to be kind.

The cheap gold ring I gave you,
it's meaning loyal and true;--This is not the way to attach characteristics to a symbol. Rethink this.
the track played twice as slow that day
with me so close to you.

A little while later--You don't need to worry about linear time so much (the "and then this happened")
the tears flowed down my face
as I watched my promise
roll down your back
into the sewer grate.

My puzzle incomplete
more pieces fell away.--This again feels unconnected to your initial metaphor. That makes it less satisfying.
I tried to fill the holes
but you revelled in my shame.--typo: reveled

I don't know how to say it
please stop asking me to stay
you picked my pieces up that night
and threw them all away.

I stare into the mirror
hating what I see,--again try to not just say the facts.
I think of all the ones I love,
will they remember me?

I take a deep breath
and I dream of paradise;
a place I'd never enter
if I went on living life.

Inside I'm alone,
and the fear takes hold as Death
slowly beckons once more.

This time as she extends 
a comforting hand
I walk into her door.--Through would seem beter than into. Into suggests you concussed yourself.

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd