06-26-2017, 09:49 PM
(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Funny what a little information can do,Thanks for the read, CRN! I think that with a couple small changes, this could make for a fine poem!
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew. Great line; it immediately introduces the reader to the thematic of the poem
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone. Perhaps instead of 'dagger', go for 'saw' - The bonesaw being a tool specifically made for just that
purpose would give more meaning to that sentence.
The comfort is on the horizon. drop 'The' here to make the flow more natural
What does anyone have to gain, Not too fond of this stanza, i don't feel it adds much to the poem
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?
The future hides behind a glare, I like this sentence
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair, 'That', instead of 'is' would reflect the sentence above more ('it's all laid bare', what is? - 'that' is)
but the comfort is on the horizon. Again, i would drop 'the' here to make the flow better
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree.

