Comfort Horizon edit
#2
(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew.                                                  Great line; it immediately introduces the reader to the thematic of the poem

Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone.                                                 Perhaps instead of 'dagger', go for 'saw' - The bonesaw being a tool specifically made for just that 
                                                                                                 purpose would give more meaning to that sentence. 
The comfort is on the horizon.                                                   drop 'The' here to make the flow more natural

What does anyone have to gain,                                                 Not too fond of this stanza, i don't feel it adds much to the poem
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?

The future hides behind a glare,                                                    I like this sentence
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair,                                             'That', instead of 'is' would reflect the sentence above more ('it's all laid bare', what is? -  'that' is)

but the comfort is on the horizon.                                                Again, i would drop 'the' here to make the flow better

Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree.                             
Thanks for the read, CRN! I think that with a couple small changes, this could make for a fine poem!
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Messages In This Thread
Comfort Horizon edit - by CRNDLSM - 06-26-2017, 09:29 PM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by The Four-Eyed Cat - 06-26-2017, 09:49 PM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by vagabond - 06-26-2017, 09:58 PM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by Richard - 06-27-2017, 11:18 AM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by nibbed - 06-27-2017, 01:52 PM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by QDeathstar - 06-30-2017, 07:41 AM
RE: Comfort Horizon - by CRNDLSM - 06-30-2017, 08:06 AM



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