06-20-2017, 11:05 PM
Hiya Cat,
I think this is a really emotive and imaginative poem, which has no problem conveying images into the mind and that 'fairy-tale' feeling. The repetition in the final couplet adds to this.
This may be a personal preference of mine, but if I were you I would take some of the syllables out of some lines - at times, for me, it read a little bit 'clunky'. For example, here:
"In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair."
and
"When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. Maybe "let out a croak"?
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart."
The personification, especially with the conversation between the trees, is lovely. However, the final stanza, with the return of the "light", feels a bit rushed, when set beside the powerful, negative language used above. Could you go into more detail about this return? It just doesn't match the emotion of the rest of the poem, in my opinion.
I almost feel like the whole poem would be even further improved by you speaking it - maybe this is one to be listened to, rather than read.
Keep writing.
Joe
I think this is a really emotive and imaginative poem, which has no problem conveying images into the mind and that 'fairy-tale' feeling. The repetition in the final couplet adds to this.
This may be a personal preference of mine, but if I were you I would take some of the syllables out of some lines - at times, for me, it read a little bit 'clunky'. For example, here:
"In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair."
and
"When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. Maybe "let out a croak"?
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart."
The personification, especially with the conversation between the trees, is lovely. However, the final stanza, with the return of the "light", feels a bit rushed, when set beside the powerful, negative language used above. Could you go into more detail about this return? It just doesn't match the emotion of the rest of the poem, in my opinion.
I almost feel like the whole poem would be even further improved by you speaking it - maybe this is one to be listened to, rather than read.
Keep writing.
Joe