06-20-2017, 04:46 AM
(06-14-2017, 01:59 AM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: As the light breaks through the mountain ridges, If light is meant to symbolize a being, I feel it should just be "As light breaks".I love this piece! The imagery is really strong and in my opinion it conveys your point quite well, I just think it needs some minor work. I've left a few notes above ^^^ with some suggestions. All in all, lovely!
it touches upon pastures and cobblestone bridges.
On top of the summit, tall it would tower,
there where once bloomed a lovely flower. I feel like there need to be a few extra syllables at the beginning of this line to make it flow more naturally. Maybe "A place where once there bloomed a lovely flower"?
He had no kin of his own, for those were with the trees down below. It seems to me that this line should be cut down a bit. "All his kin swayed with the trees down below"?
Solely accompanied by the light, wind, and the snow. I agree with the previous poster who suggested rearranging 'solely' and 'accompanied', it does seem to me that it would give 'solely' a more fitting emphasis.
The light didn’t engage in conversation and was rather taciturn,
save it for a morning greeting, and a moonlit return.
The snow would often mutter and grind,
but unlike the trees would think, he was warm and kind. I would suggest changing 'he' to something like 'his touch' to express the meaning more accurately.
The most loquacious of them all, was without a doubt the wind;
which told stories so wild, the flower couldn’t have ever imagined. I feel like it flows more as "could never have imagined".
Thus their lives were composed of tranquility and bliss,
until one day however, something was quite amiss.
When the snow croaked out a response to which the wind did not take heart. Maybe "let out a croak"?
Enraged, he stormed so strong it could sunder even the trees below apart.
In response the snow started to rumble and tear,
the avalanche dragging the flower down, in utter despair. For me the comma in this line doesn't fit.
After the wind bore witness to the passing of her friend,
Tears of bitter grief would violently descend. Love this imagery.
The rain would melt the snow, and the clouds would block out the light; "block the light" or "block out light"? I'd say probably the latter just because there's alot of use of 'the' in this line.
a thundering roar would erupt as a result of her now lonesome fright.
There in the mountains, where the wind still howls out in search:
"Dear trees, have you perhaps seen my flower, and what of the snow?" "What has become of the snow"?
"I think the flower got lost in that fateful storm, said the birch." "was lost to"? Got lost seems more like misplaced or wandering than the type of loss that comes with death.
"And your other friend", spoke the oak, "was drowned in your sorrow". (i know this line is a bit quirky) "your own sorrow"?
The wind could not help but continue to grief, Grieve?
but fortunately the light was there to console and relief. Relieve?
As the light pierced through her clouds on the mountain ridges, "the clouds"? 'Her' just doesn't seem to fit the theme with the use of male pronouns, no female has been mentioned thus far, but I perhaps could be missing something here.
Upon those now distant pastures and cobblestone bridges.

