06-16-2017, 10:18 AM
Thnx Tectak & Vagabond
@tectak No excuses for the typos, i'll ninja edit um out. Im definitely a sucker for enjambment, and rationalize as much of it as I can. Here "peer passing//over. A moment of silence" I was thinking passing grades and thought it'd be shocking to have "over" on the next line. "Over a moment of silence" I thought it had metaphoric potential for something metaphysical, transmigration or something idk. At any rate its probably more stilted then it is poetic. Erthona gave my good advice awhile back, "Enjambment is tricky at best, and should be treated like a loaded gun" I should be more mindful of it. What is a quite crack? lol not sure, quiet***** Each new leaf only impersonates//last years deadfall This was meant as a reaction to the sentiment that everything grows back in spring which is less true then what i've written I think, but maybe i'm being dim to your criticism here. Thnx for the read, i've got a lot to work!
@Vagabond You can't divide radiation, but you also can't hold lightning yet zeus still manages! I want the dog to float between fingers... I'm not sure how to make these moments of magic or metaphor easier to digest, but I do want them to be digestible. As for the last stanza, the idea of using spring to convey the idea of nothing coming back was meant to have power in being subversive. Thanks for the feedback and all. Ill contemplate your questions.
@tectak No excuses for the typos, i'll ninja edit um out. Im definitely a sucker for enjambment, and rationalize as much of it as I can. Here "peer passing//over. A moment of silence" I was thinking passing grades and thought it'd be shocking to have "over" on the next line. "Over a moment of silence" I thought it had metaphoric potential for something metaphysical, transmigration or something idk. At any rate its probably more stilted then it is poetic. Erthona gave my good advice awhile back, "Enjambment is tricky at best, and should be treated like a loaded gun" I should be more mindful of it. What is a quite crack? lol not sure, quiet***** Each new leaf only impersonates//last years deadfall This was meant as a reaction to the sentiment that everything grows back in spring which is less true then what i've written I think, but maybe i'm being dim to your criticism here. Thnx for the read, i've got a lot to work!
@Vagabond You can't divide radiation, but you also can't hold lightning yet zeus still manages! I want the dog to float between fingers... I'm not sure how to make these moments of magic or metaphor easier to digest, but I do want them to be digestible. As for the last stanza, the idea of using spring to convey the idea of nothing coming back was meant to have power in being subversive. Thanks for the feedback and all. Ill contemplate your questions.