06-15-2017, 09:33 PM
Even though I didn't see eleven as suicide (why, there's still one left from the 12-pack for the morning 
), four leaves chronic alcoholism up in the air, which I think is less distracting, maybe. I know high functioning viet vets who fit the profile of the edit, it just takes that much. So I think the edit works well, for me the poem worked well from the start. I sort of love the original title because I hear an echo of "and to you, too" but if you prefer the new one I'd go with just "Courage".
Thanks for posting it, I think your brevity works just fine here.
edit: I just reread the previous crit and remembered thinking that the poem could apply to anyone's Normandy and that's okay with me.
), four leaves chronic alcoholism up in the air, which I think is less distracting, maybe. I know high functioning viet vets who fit the profile of the edit, it just takes that much. So I think the edit works well, for me the poem worked well from the start. I sort of love the original title because I hear an echo of "and to you, too" but if you prefer the new one I'd go with just "Courage".Thanks for posting it, I think your brevity works just fine here.
edit: I just reread the previous crit and remembered thinking that the poem could apply to anyone's Normandy and that's okay with me.
(06-10-2017, 06:02 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Observing Courage (edit Leanne, River)
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
I’ve had four beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.
Grace To You (original)
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
I’ve had eleven beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.
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