We're All Born Knowing All (edit)

[tectak]

Hello make,
 well done for editing but you ARE in intensive so you should proof read for errors so that others do no have to. You may think that these are small nit...they are....and being small are easy to correct.
 In line, then:


All Dogs go to Heaven 

In summer, 
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
in your arms.
You feel the golden
retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
upward in air.  This is "nice" because there is imagery and there is to some degree, passion. It is the passion of belief and I can see what you can see. I do not like the fading ember cliche and I doubt you do, either...but it is not your fault because in spite of the passion you write everything as if it was my fault. You, you, you. Be wary of this person...it can seem preachy.
 
In autumn,
you strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
A preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
And land in heaven. Which preacher? Who he? You do not say. Even "the" preacher would make it seem more definitive. Judge Judy would call this inadmissable hearsay....and so do I. I am struck by the dogma-dog correlation primarily because I cannot correlate the two. What IS this about? Why is ths "And" capitalised? I should explain, the meaning is of minor consequence to me per se, others will have a go at translating, but unless I can make sense of the words I cannot make sense of the poem; if I cannot make sense of the poem I have no way of judging the contents or the construction.
 
In Winter,
you hear a white quite crackWhat is a "quite crack"?
beneath the principles electric voice.Is it his voice? Then apostrophe, please.
His words fall like ash
over the assembly;Excellent in isolation, I may use it myself ...I am better informed but none the wiser.
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passingTotally purposeless enjambment. There is a falling (thankfully) tendency to think that if a writer breaks up prose in to ill-defined chunks it wil look more
poetic.
It does not. It looks as though you don't
know what you are
doing.
over. A moment of silence.I mean, really...how much better this would be if the "A moment of silence" had its own line instead of " over. A moment of silence." Just what is the point?
 
In spring,
nothing grows back.
Each new leaf only impersonates
last years deadfall.It may be a good line but it's just not true...no matter how you cut it. Of more import is the questionable word use. I just cannot get anything out of ...Each new leaf (only) impersonates(?) last year(')s deadfall. Ahem :
deadfall

ˈdɛdfɔːl/
noun
North American
noun: deadfall; plural noun: deadfalls

1. 1.
   a trap consisting of a heavy weight positioned to fall on an animal.
   
2. 2.
   a tangled mass of fallen trees and brush.
   "the brush and deadfall along the river stopped us cold"
   
   

This star is an imposter. Wha?....Huh...?...who....?




Original

I


Dogs go to heaven,
the preacher must’ve forgot
when he told you otherwise.


The words burn


a year later
when a boy misses the bus stop
but catches a noose.


Did the clergyman not recognize
the napalm in his breath
when he laid his voice on you—
your own hands can only bring you hell.


The world burns


before it is the world
and after.


II


In summer,
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
In your arms.
You feel the Golden
Retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
Upward in air.  

In autumn,
You strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
The preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
And land in heaven.

In Winter,
you hear a white quiete crack
beneath the principles electric voice.
His words fall like fat ash
over the assembly;
lecturing  on attendance,
absence, and a peer passing
over. A moment of silence.

In spring,
Nothing grew back
Each new leaf impersonating
last years deadfall.
This sun is an imposter.