Souvenirs

[Richard]

Hey 67eager,
I like the overall message of this poem. My main suggestions would be about some of your word choices throughout the poem. I'll go into greater detail below:

SOUVENIRS

Beyond my flat's double glazed glass,
I see a hazy midday scene: -Is "hazy" the right word here? I ask that because you then go on to describe the scene with quite a bit of detail.
Flocks of tourists napping in grass,
The slow and subtle spread of shade, -I like this line. It creates a wonderful image in my mind.
Tall men with their sub-legal trade, -What is sub-legal trade?
And on trees the emerging green.

I look with greater focus now,
Upon this fading midday scene,-I know that the "midday scene" is important, but does it warrant repetition?
As I begin to notice how
The spring cement's purity -Is "cement's" supposed to be "cements," and is it also supposed to be a verb or noun? I would suggest rewording this line because its meaning is a bit unclear.
Heightens the plumb logs obscurity, -I googled it, and still have no idea what "plumb logs" are.
Showing a forest that had been.

When I am archaic yet wise,
I will still see this midday scene,
But never again through live eyes; -This seems like an fancy way to say "remembering".
Never at all with the power
To sweeten a youth gone sour. -I like this line, but I think the rhyme of "power" and "sour" actually detracts from it. I actually find the line before this one a bit unclear. Why not just say: "I couldn't/ sweeten a youth gone sour."
Too much to take in at eighteen. -I like this line as an ending. It sums up the speaker's feelings well.

There are times here when it feels like you're wording your ideas a certain way just to make the meter work, and this hurts your overall meaning. When you do a revision of this poem, just say what you want to say. I think this because you do have a message in this poem worth sharing.

Keep writing,
Richard