06-13-2017, 07:20 PM
(12-01-2010, 07:58 AM)Todd Wrote: Hunger is a breathless dance I´d write “gasping” or something similar instead of “breathless” because breath is needed to transport foetor ex ore.
of teeth—the smell of rusted iron— maybe rusted´s not needed for an additional association (to think of blood)
I stink of it. somehow that line seems like an out-of-character excuse or self-accusation of the subject, considering how the poem moves on. I´d either erase it or try to make it sound less negative, maybe make the S. somehow feel proud or powerful because of this metallic feature.
My ears prick
to the sanguine skip, her hum
a mouthful of bees. I like how this line and the word hum creates the image of a physical feeling
She is sweet cherries
on the tongue that licks impressive how “she” is reduced to a tongue, showing the subject´s narrowing focus.
against the gnarled root.
Slick droplet,
bag of raw meat,
not so little girl,
hair, a thorny tangle
of waves beneath the blood
moon. I see the different meanings of blood and blood moon, which is making the enjambment interesting. still I´d choose one (blood moon also somehow competes with the image created in the poem)
Who could see
and claim her
an ingénue? and no woman in her right mind should want to be ingénue..
I could dive into the subject´s mind with these erotic visions even if they contain a pretty sexist attitude in the fourth stanza, but this stanza here (both because of the italics and the more sophisticated language) creates .. distance. well done if that was the intention.
liquid desire
in pale naked
light, dribbling wine,
no longer hooded,
her breath, a rasping
whetstone against
my sharp angles. shouldn´t that be singular?
Generations will fill
my stomach—
so big, so big.
~~
I think this really qualifies as a good poem being able to evoke many different feelings at once.
“When he has filled his belly, God will vent his burning anger against him and rain down his blows on him.” (job 20:23)
(google found that quote by accident , I just tried to search for another meaning to “generations filled my belly” than the one that came to my mind. so no one take that quote seriously please)