06-13-2017, 01:03 AM
Hi RiverNotch
Your poem holds an air of mystery to it, but it also fits into many things I am familiar with, if I read it introspectfully, which I often do, particualrly online poetry. I guess I am a sucker for intrigue. Intrigue, like a great spy novel, or a good suspense film. Even your pen name is intriquing, but well, here goes my critique, for what it is worth, which is absolutely nothing!
confession okay if that doesn't grab someone and make them want to peep into someone else's business!
great lure!
in the middle of the night starting out with something billy joel cannot fail.
hands that touch, a tongue that licks -- might be personal, or not
morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open scarlet cloth, I am thinking commies or cardinals
my nine mouths and burn me brighter a screaming mega phone, or proclamation
than the temple in Kislev, or Av, or Nisan -- jewish stuff, that's all I know
i grab my phone. i plug my headphones in. i link, i listen. this is cute stanza, honestly, very telling
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf, bodies are scary
cameras in the distance -- security cameras, I hope
cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys. nice ending, though it puzzled me, just sounds cool
A bit abstract, thanks for the read,
like a good Picasso,
you've helped me thru a headache.
I guess the red reference sort of reminded me of Christians
in the coliseum in Rome. The ones who ran themselves to death
when the dogs were set loose...
I don't know why I have that in my head, heart...
Just the same, please take care.
Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
Best wishes for a bright and wonderful day for you!
janine
Your poem holds an air of mystery to it, but it also fits into many things I am familiar with, if I read it introspectfully, which I often do, particualrly online poetry. I guess I am a sucker for intrigue. Intrigue, like a great spy novel, or a good suspense film. Even your pen name is intriquing, but well, here goes my critique, for what it is worth, which is absolutely nothing!
confession okay if that doesn't grab someone and make them want to peep into someone else's business!
great lure!
in the middle of the night starting out with something billy joel cannot fail.
hands that touch, a tongue that licks -- might be personal, or not
morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open scarlet cloth, I am thinking commies or cardinals
my nine mouths and burn me brighter a screaming mega phone, or proclamation
than the temple in Kislev, or Av, or Nisan -- jewish stuff, that's all I know
i grab my phone. i plug my headphones in. i link, i listen. this is cute stanza, honestly, very telling
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf, bodies are scary
cameras in the distance -- security cameras, I hope
cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys. nice ending, though it puzzled me, just sounds cool
A bit abstract, thanks for the read,
like a good Picasso,
you've helped me thru a headache.
I guess the red reference sort of reminded me of Christians
in the coliseum in Rome. The ones who ran themselves to death
when the dogs were set loose...
I don't know why I have that in my head, heart...
Just the same, please take care.
Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
Best wishes for a bright and wonderful day for you!
janine
there's always a better reason to love