Third Edit: Lost Dreams

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard. I continue to read your opening line and hear the useless preacher at a suicide in the film "The Big Chill":

"Where
did Alex's
hope
go?"

Even though it's a valid and important question, my response is an eyeroll and a How the fuck should I know? Hope is a big fuzzy word and the poem doesn't explain what the N's hopes were, so yes, the reader can imagine but with so many possibilities for me it just lies flat. If you insist on it I prefer the original opening line, but I think you could dig a little deeper and give me a hint of a reason to care.

I also prefer the final strophe of the original although I think it would improve with the loss of "perhaps". I also prefer S3 of the original, it makes more sense and is a stronger image.

So, if it was my poem, I'd start at the original again, reread the crit and see if I could use any of it more gently.

Second Edit:

Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone?

Did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

Or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

Perhaps it’ll come back to us,
silent and dangerous,
like a plague.


First Edit:
Lost Dream

where has our hope gone?

did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

perhaps it’ll come back to us
silent and unnoticed
as bacteria


Original Version:
Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow