06-12-2017, 05:29 AM
Hi Richard
The premise and imagery of this is solid enough in that the reader fully understands the plight of the swan, what I struggle with is the conclusion that the mate would fly away and the introduction of dream seems misplaced in such a graphic short piece. Some comment below. Best Keith
Webbed feet as an opening this doesn't really grab me esp given the title
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky. Like the near rhyme of denied sky
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation. I like this, any injured animal just wants to get up and carry on, this line portrays that well.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled. Perhaps say how it got like that rather than tell us what it looks like. Let the reader decide how it looks.
Its eyes look desperate, perhaps bring in a metaphor here just to give the reader a jolt
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream. Have another look at the ending its not working for me.
The premise and imagery of this is solid enough in that the reader fully understands the plight of the swan, what I struggle with is the conclusion that the mate would fly away and the introduction of dream seems misplaced in such a graphic short piece. Some comment below. Best Keith
Webbed feet as an opening this doesn't really grab me esp given the title
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky. Like the near rhyme of denied sky
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation. I like this, any injured animal just wants to get up and carry on, this line portrays that well.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled. Perhaps say how it got like that rather than tell us what it looks like. Let the reader decide how it looks.
Its eyes look desperate, perhaps bring in a metaphor here just to give the reader a jolt
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream. Have another look at the ending its not working for me.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out