06-12-2017, 05:11 AM
Hi Tectak
Since this is already an edit I will keep the comment simple.
A very visual and intense piece, the shorter lines and subtle end rhymes help pace the reader through the wreckage, my only concern was the ending.
around him, crashing everywhere. This split line is awkward, I feels like you are jamming in everywhere just to pick up the rhyme
The anchor hit him hard and square This works well enough and is probably true to the story but my mind see's the anchor on the sea bed so it might be good to work in it coming loose, if that possible.
and Donny died a sailor’s death. Nice internal sonic's, in keeping with the scheme.
Very much enjoyed this salty smash up. Best Keith
Since this is already an edit I will keep the comment simple.
A very visual and intense piece, the shorter lines and subtle end rhymes help pace the reader through the wreckage, my only concern was the ending.
around him, crashing everywhere. This split line is awkward, I feels like you are jamming in everywhere just to pick up the rhyme
The anchor hit him hard and square This works well enough and is probably true to the story but my mind see's the anchor on the sea bed so it might be good to work in it coming loose, if that possible.
and Donny died a sailor’s death. Nice internal sonic's, in keeping with the scheme.
Very much enjoyed this salty smash up. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out