06-11-2017, 08:55 AM
Hi Tectak. The Old Man and the Sea is playing in the background as I write this critique. I know it's a fishing story, but it has to do with the sea, and that's pretty cool timing, I think. This piece has a way about it. Okay, it is like how a seafarer would talk, or a Captain writing in the log.
The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died. no that
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide, no to the
the Gina Belle had tumbled on no had
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult turned her round and round, I like the rhythm of these last three lines
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away.
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel; every time I see "her", I want to say, " 'er"
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked
upon the heartless granite shore.
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free. this line seems disorderly
Down deep he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea; eliminate the deep bring into together
he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square
and Donny died a sailor’s death.
tectak
2017
thank you for the interesting read.
it seems rather sad, though.
have a wonderful, happy, and blessed evening.
best wishes
janine
The wildest seas had risen up the night that Donny died. no that
Close running to the western gales and on an awkward tide, no to the
the Gina Belle had tumbled on no had
her stern was low, her going gone.
The tumult turned her round and round, I like the rhythm of these last three lines
in waves that broke on jagged ground
no more than half a league away.
The bladderwrack flew in the spray as Donny fought the wheel.
The grounding shook her, jarred her straight and pinned her by the keel; every time I see "her", I want to say, " 'er"
Again, again, again she skewed
until her timbers cracked and flew
in shards that rained upon the deck,
or what was left, until she wrecked
upon the heartless granite shore.
Donny had thrown into the swell, unhitched his line, made free. this line seems disorderly
Down deep he dived in to the rage, in hopes of calmer sea; eliminate the deep bring into together
he swam below, some distance gained,
then burst for breath while wreckage rained
around him, crashing everywhere.
The anchor hit him hard and square
and Donny died a sailor’s death.
tectak
2017
thank you for the interesting read.
it seems rather sad, though.
have a wonderful, happy, and blessed evening.
best wishes
janine
there's always a better reason to love